Second thoughts...

The past few days I have been struck by a thought that is more a rhetorical question than anything else. Is there anyone else, in this world full of so many people, who feel just completely alone? I know there are, but I mean perfectly adjusted, sociable, and sane people...




Lately I have been feeling like I just have nothing in common with anyone around here and I don't really relate to anyone around here. As I read this over it seems so bizzare, especially when I have now become a part of something more and more common with others. Still, there is a loneliness in the diagnosis that I can't explain. And there are so many facets that go along with this. I just keep typing them in but deleting them just as quickly. It's just not sounding right, not matching my real feelings. I think the chemo is really taking its toll on my brain cells, as well as everything else in my body, and I just can't think so clearly most of the time to get my thoughts put together. Just bear with me on this one....



Mostly, lately, it seems my far-away friends, and even internet friends I have yet to meet (my pink ribbon sisters), are more concerned with supporting me and encouraging me and wanting to be here with me than those that really are here. I'm not trying to say no one has been supportive or encouraging, and I'm not talking about the things friends have sent through the mail. I just mean support and encouragement at its basic level. Lately I have been noticing that my "perky girls" are the biggest subject of interest and get the most looks, even though I don't have the finished product yet. I realize as women we hope for perky and firm and great shape, but to have to go through a large chest my whole life, having it be the topic of too much concentration, and then to lose it in one fell swoop from out of the blue.......well, I still don't think I have grieved completely... How can I when I am constantly reminded of how "perky" I'm going to be? MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND HAVE A REDUCTION AND CANCER HAS SCREWED NOT ONLY WITH MY BODY BUT WITH MY BRAIN AS WELL.



Sorry, I told you it's just not coming out too well.

I realize how I am getting a second chance at life. I am so greatful that technology is where it is, that my husband's job move last year was the best thing for us when looking at how expensive all this could have been for us. I realize I have some of the best care in the country if not the world right now. I realize my body will be more of what I have wanted after my surgery and after I get back into shape. But I am tired of people looking me up and down to try to guage my "fills" and make light of it like it's all about having better boobs. I know one can't understand unless they have gone through it, and maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I should stop being down about this and just see this for the positives. But maybe others need to understand I am having second thoughts about going through this final stage of reconstruction, second thoughts about finishing my last chemo. I am told I have been so strong and have such a great attitude about it all. But no one can know the thoughts and feelings I have, having to be hooked up for 4 hours while I get juiced up on steroids that screw with my brain, chemo drugs that essentially are poisoning me, have to deal with the build up of fatigue, lack of taste or funky taste in my mouth, the feeling that I have downed the hottest cup of coffee and should have one big blister for a tongue, a bald head that makes me look like "Powder", and kids who just don't have the ability to understand why I'm a raving #%!@h all too often.

I'm exhausted, I'm fighting headaches every day, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Trouble is, I just don't know that I want to walk all the way through to the other side. I'm certainly glad I am not in the same place I was 4 months ago, but I don't know how well I'm going to get through this next round....