The end of chemo, that is.....Yep, I went through my last session of chemo Wednesday and immediately came home and felt so very wiped out. This weekend is going to be a long one, but I have my kids here and a wonderful husband to take care of me. I am glad for it to be over, but worried about where I go from here. I hope it is all gone, I hope the 4 sessions will be enough, I hope to get my life back to normal sometime soon.
I can't help but to think about what may lurk around the corners of life from here on out, though. I would be a fool to say I wasn't worried about whether or not some form of cancer will return. I just have to think to myself all the best and positive things I can, that my life will only get better, that I can ensure my children can be healthier due to this. I know I'm not ready to leave any of them yet, nor am I finished with things to do here on earth. But I will put all my life into getting better and being here for my family and friends and just being.
I feel like I am entering a new realm, being over the chemo part of it all, following the surgery which came after the diagnosis brought on by biopsies due to a lump that started it all. Where do I go from here? For six months my life has been caught up in illness and trying to get better...What comes next? For now I am at the end, but I feel it is only the beginning.....again...
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Second thoughts...
The past few days I have been struck by a thought that is more a rhetorical question than anything else. Is there anyone else, in this world full of so many people, who feel just completely alone? I know there are, but I mean perfectly adjusted, sociable, and sane people...
Lately I have been feeling like I just have nothing in common with anyone around here and I don't really relate to anyone around here. As I read this over it seems so bizzare, especially when I have now become a part of something more and more common with others. Still, there is a loneliness in the diagnosis that I can't explain. And there are so many facets that go along with this. I just keep typing them in but deleting them just as quickly. It's just not sounding right, not matching my real feelings. I think the chemo is really taking its toll on my brain cells, as well as everything else in my body, and I just can't think so clearly most of the time to get my thoughts put together. Just bear with me on this one....
Mostly, lately, it seems my far-away friends, and even internet friends I have yet to meet (my pink ribbon sisters), are more concerned with supporting me and encouraging me and wanting to be here with me than those that really are here. I'm not trying to say no one has been supportive or encouraging, and I'm not talking about the things friends have sent through the mail. I just mean support and encouragement at its basic level. Lately I have been noticing that my "perky girls" are the biggest subject of interest and get the most looks, even though I don't have the finished product yet. I realize as women we hope for perky and firm and great shape, but to have to go through a large chest my whole life, having it be the topic of too much concentration, and then to lose it in one fell swoop from out of the blue.......well, I still don't think I have grieved completely... How can I when I am constantly reminded of how "perky" I'm going to be? MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND HAVE A REDUCTION AND CANCER HAS SCREWED NOT ONLY WITH MY BODY BUT WITH MY BRAIN AS WELL.
Sorry, I told you it's just not coming out too well.
I realize how I am getting a second chance at life. I am so greatful that technology is where it is, that my husband's job move last year was the best thing for us when looking at how expensive all this could have been for us. I realize I have some of the best care in the country if not the world right now. I realize my body will be more of what I have wanted after my surgery and after I get back into shape. But I am tired of people looking me up and down to try to guage my "fills" and make light of it like it's all about having better boobs. I know one can't understand unless they have gone through it, and maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I should stop being down about this and just see this for the positives. But maybe others need to understand I am having second thoughts about going through this final stage of reconstruction, second thoughts about finishing my last chemo. I am told I have been so strong and have such a great attitude about it all. But no one can know the thoughts and feelings I have, having to be hooked up for 4 hours while I get juiced up on steroids that screw with my brain, chemo drugs that essentially are poisoning me, have to deal with the build up of fatigue, lack of taste or funky taste in my mouth, the feeling that I have downed the hottest cup of coffee and should have one big blister for a tongue, a bald head that makes me look like "Powder", and kids who just don't have the ability to understand why I'm a raving #%!@h all too often.
I'm exhausted, I'm fighting headaches every day, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Trouble is, I just don't know that I want to walk all the way through to the other side. I'm certainly glad I am not in the same place I was 4 months ago, but I don't know how well I'm going to get through this next round....
Lately I have been feeling like I just have nothing in common with anyone around here and I don't really relate to anyone around here. As I read this over it seems so bizzare, especially when I have now become a part of something more and more common with others. Still, there is a loneliness in the diagnosis that I can't explain. And there are so many facets that go along with this. I just keep typing them in but deleting them just as quickly. It's just not sounding right, not matching my real feelings. I think the chemo is really taking its toll on my brain cells, as well as everything else in my body, and I just can't think so clearly most of the time to get my thoughts put together. Just bear with me on this one....
Mostly, lately, it seems my far-away friends, and even internet friends I have yet to meet (my pink ribbon sisters), are more concerned with supporting me and encouraging me and wanting to be here with me than those that really are here. I'm not trying to say no one has been supportive or encouraging, and I'm not talking about the things friends have sent through the mail. I just mean support and encouragement at its basic level. Lately I have been noticing that my "perky girls" are the biggest subject of interest and get the most looks, even though I don't have the finished product yet. I realize as women we hope for perky and firm and great shape, but to have to go through a large chest my whole life, having it be the topic of too much concentration, and then to lose it in one fell swoop from out of the blue.......well, I still don't think I have grieved completely... How can I when I am constantly reminded of how "perky" I'm going to be? MAYBE I JUST WANTED TO LOSE WEIGHT AND HAVE A REDUCTION AND CANCER HAS SCREWED NOT ONLY WITH MY BODY BUT WITH MY BRAIN AS WELL.
Sorry, I told you it's just not coming out too well.
I realize how I am getting a second chance at life. I am so greatful that technology is where it is, that my husband's job move last year was the best thing for us when looking at how expensive all this could have been for us. I realize I have some of the best care in the country if not the world right now. I realize my body will be more of what I have wanted after my surgery and after I get back into shape. But I am tired of people looking me up and down to try to guage my "fills" and make light of it like it's all about having better boobs. I know one can't understand unless they have gone through it, and maybe I'm being too harsh. Maybe I should stop being down about this and just see this for the positives. But maybe others need to understand I am having second thoughts about going through this final stage of reconstruction, second thoughts about finishing my last chemo. I am told I have been so strong and have such a great attitude about it all. But no one can know the thoughts and feelings I have, having to be hooked up for 4 hours while I get juiced up on steroids that screw with my brain, chemo drugs that essentially are poisoning me, have to deal with the build up of fatigue, lack of taste or funky taste in my mouth, the feeling that I have downed the hottest cup of coffee and should have one big blister for a tongue, a bald head that makes me look like "Powder", and kids who just don't have the ability to understand why I'm a raving #%!@h all too often.
I'm exhausted, I'm fighting headaches every day, but I am seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. Trouble is, I just don't know that I want to walk all the way through to the other side. I'm certainly glad I am not in the same place I was 4 months ago, but I don't know how well I'm going to get through this next round....
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Reaching...
Tonight, as I took a shower, to try to cool off from my chemo, steroids, and other cocktail of IV fluids of yesterday, and my neulasta shot today, I experienced, as I have a few times, the sensation, even after shaving the little stubble on top of my head, of needing to reach back and finish rinsing the rest of my hair. I even got out and dried my baldness and thought about needing to grab my brush...I haven't had hair on my head now for a good month, but some things just don't seem to change.
I thought for a moment the experience might catch in my throat and it would make me cry, but the tears never came. There are days when I do feel the breeze across my scalp and I think to myself that I want to pull out the ponytail. Then I realize there is no ponytail back there and run my hand across the scalp that used to have such a good mane. I know it will come back at some point, and I may even have a different color or texture. It will be interesting to see.
So, as I sit here tonight, boys falling asleep on the two couches, both having long and wonderful days, and accepting the baldness though they may not want it, I feel the cool breeze again, drifting across my scalp, and consider myself so lucky to still be here, sitting here, looking at my boys, knowing my little girl is tucked into bed, now sleeping after playing her glow worm's music over and over, and am hopeful for more evenings like this.
I thought for a moment the experience might catch in my throat and it would make me cry, but the tears never came. There are days when I do feel the breeze across my scalp and I think to myself that I want to pull out the ponytail. Then I realize there is no ponytail back there and run my hand across the scalp that used to have such a good mane. I know it will come back at some point, and I may even have a different color or texture. It will be interesting to see.
So, as I sit here tonight, boys falling asleep on the two couches, both having long and wonderful days, and accepting the baldness though they may not want it, I feel the cool breeze again, drifting across my scalp, and consider myself so lucky to still be here, sitting here, looking at my boys, knowing my little girl is tucked into bed, now sleeping after playing her glow worm's music over and over, and am hopeful for more evenings like this.
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